


who am I to be in love, when your love never is for me?

by orphan_account



Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Pain, Sad Ending, a bit of rini in this, no one's happy, ricky bowen has a storm comin, so much pain, sorry - Freeform, thats where the pain is, very gina centered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:05:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23474356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Gina Porter can never hate him.
Relationships: Ricky Bowen/Gina Porter
Comments: 4
Kudos: 59





	who am I to be in love, when your love never is for me?

**Author's Note:**

> Wow so this has been a wip since December and I decided to finish it in april ncjdsncjds. This is a rina one shot, but more than anything it's a gina story centered. As always, I made their situations extremely dramatic and a tad unrealistic, I find I write those the best. So yeah, if you read, thank you :))).

**They start drifting.**

Ricky and Nini make it official two days after the musical, a post on instagram that gets almost 100 likes in half an hour. The comments under the post either say how cute they were or how adorable they look as they held each other in a warm embrace. Nini’s caption reads  _ ‘my love forever’ _ paired with a red heart. Just one red heart. And it makes Gina feel weird.

They get back together and everyone’s happy for them. Gina hears that Nini was offered to attend a performing arts school after the musical, to which she denies and decides to stay at East High. She hears the news from Ashlyn, who had graciously let her spend the rest of sophomore year with her while her mother works in another state. She’s beyond grateful, excited to stay with Ash and E.J but when Ash tells her about Nini she doesn’t believe her. 

Not because there was no way Nini was offered a spot, that girl could sing, that girl had potential. 

No, it was over the fact that she declined the spot. 

Because why would she deny an offer to go to an amazing performing arts school where she could grow and learn and-

**Then it clicks.**

Gina remembers how Nini looks at Ricky. She remembers how she looks at him like he’s her whole world. She remembers when she flashed that light in his face, like he had done to her all those months ago and she remembers stepping back and letting it all happen. 

She remembers watching Nini look at him like he hung the stars and the moon. She could only see his back from where he stood but she was positive he was doing the same. 

And then she kind of gets it. 

She doesn’t want to, a part of her will always question Nini’s sanity for denying the offer, but she understands. 

She likes to think she understands because deep down she was a hopeless romantic and love was something very poetic. Not because she had looked at him like that once. 

Not at all. 

Gina’s happy for them. For both Nini and Ricky. 

She pushes down her feelings about it, about everything. It shouldn’t be hard for her, ignoring feelings was her forte. But it’s harder than usual and those feelings always burn whenever she remembers that one damn red heart on that instagram post. 

She hates red hearts. 

But she’s happy for them, she really is. 

But they start drifting. 

Not Nini and Ricky, no, they’re stronger than ever. Happier than ever, even. 

**Gina and Ricky start drifting and it hurts like hell.**

They start texting less, Ricky apologizes for not responding as much due to hanging out with Nini all the time. He tells her he’d make it up to her every time he didn’t talk to her. He never does. Gina pretends it doesn’t sting when her texts go unanswered. 

Gina tells him halfway through winter break that she’s doing the rest of the school year at East High, that she’s staying with Ash and E.J and that all the issues were worked out with her mom. She fully moved into their house only a few days after break started, no one really knew about it and she knew she’d have to tell everyone eventually, before one day they all decided to come over and find that she was temporarily living in the guest bedroom. 

And it’s not like it would cause problems or anything, but it was probably the decent thing to tell your friends that you were staying after saying you weren’t. 

But she wanted to tell him first, before everyone else, she wanted to tell him personally. 

For some reason. 

So she sends the text, contemplating whether or not the blushing emoji was a good idea. She watches the screen for a moment, waiting to see those three anxiety filled dots pop up on her screen. And they do. For two whole minutes. But then they disappear and he never sends anything back until the next day, around 2 p.m. The corner of Gina’s mouth twitches when she reads the message. 

‘Oh, that’s great, I’m happy for you :)’ 

She waits a second, hoping to hear another buzz come from her phone, an excuse or apology as to why he responded so late. ‘Sorry I fell asleep super early and woke up super late today’ or even ‘I didn’t even see this until now, I’m so sorry’, anything that would make her feel less crazy. She just wanted to see another message on her screen under his name. 

But there isn’t another buzz, there isn’t another message under his name and she doesn’t know what to do with how she feels. 

She ends up turning off her phone, pushing the feeling that floods inside of her down until her feet feel cold. She lays on the bed in the guest bedroom, the unpacked boxes in the corner mocking her as something pools in the corners of her eyes. 

She falls asleep and doesn’t wake up until 4 hours later, where the sun is gone and the moon is covered by dark clouds. She doesn’t turn on her phone, throwing it into the drawer of her nightstand and turning on High School Musical 2, her favorite, as she lays on the bed, wishing to fall asleep again. 

Wishing she would just stop thinking. 

**And feeling.**

E.J had come into her room 30 minutes into the movie, offering her something to eat. It was a granola bar, half of it crushed against the wrapper. She tells him that she wasn’t hungry, that she’d eat dinner later. But by the way his hand hadn’t moved from in front of her, the granola bar stuck right in her face, that he wasn’t gonna take no for an answer. 

So she takes it and expects E.J to walk away and close the door behind him. But instead he plops onto the bed beside her, fluffs the pillow behind his head and knocks out no more than five minutes later. Gina eats the granola bar slowly, laughing here and there at how he snores throughout most of the songs. 

She’s grateful to the boy who snores like there’s no tomorrow. At first she wished he hadn’t made himself comfortable on her bed, she had wished he just walked off and left her to be all sad and lonely. But the snores made her feel okay. They made her less lonely. They made her feel not so crazy. And she was grateful. 

Ash ended up coming in later, it had gotten dark hours ago but it was only 7:30 and the redhead was hangry. Which resulted in waking up E.J with a pillow to the face. They drive to a burger place 10 minutes away, Gina’s in the backseat of E.J 's car as the cousins bicker over something she doesn’t know about. 

Gina smiles from time to time, giggling at the insults they playfully throw at each other. Her phone is in her hand but it’s still off and all Gina could do was look at her reflection in the black screen. And even though she’s starving and a burger with fries and a strawberry milkshake sounded like the best thing in the world, she starts thinking again. And she hates it. 

**Gina hates red hearts. She also hates smiley faces. And she definitely hates thinking.**

They see each other twice over winter break, the first being a group hang out. 

They’re in Red’s basement this time instead of Ash’s living room and it’s just a casual get together. Gina, E.J and Ash arrive last, late as usual, bringing snacks for everyone to enjoy. She’s carrying a bag of off-brand Tostito’s down the stairs when she catches sight of them cuddled up in a recliner. She almost faceplants on the concrete floor, her ankle twisting itself as she makes it to the last step. 

Kourtney rushes to help her and she can’t help the blush that spreads across her face following the gasps from everyone. She sees from her peripheral that Nini shimmies her way out of the chair, Ricky sitting up as he watches the commotion. Gina puts on a fake smile as Kourtney and Nini help her across the floor, to the other recliner, asking her if she was all right. 

The chips were taken from her at some point, hazardly thrown somewhere as Gina tells everyone she’s okay. It aches, but she lies to reassure her friends. Apparently she’s good at reassuring them enough because she can hear Carlos sigh dramatically. 

“I thought you broke your foot, thank god.” 

Everyone laughs. Nini rubs her shoulder, smiling, asking her if she was really okay. She nods and Nini takes it as a cue to go back to her seat, next to him. Gina watches as she falls next to him, molding her body to fit into his side like a puzzle piece. She doesn’t look at him. 

Her ankle still hurts but it’s been an hour since then and the pizza is bound to get there at any second. The Princess Diaries was playing in the background, the movie drowned out by Carlos and Seb’s domestically cute bickering over which movie was superior. Gina was on Seb’s side, the second one would just never amount to the iconicness of the first one. But Gina can’t help but agree to Carlos’ ‘But Raven Simone’s in the second one’ argument.

She decides not to jump into the argument and instead goes over to the table in the back, where she refills her cup full of room temperature sprite. It’s not that great but she’s pretty sure Red doesn’t have any water bottles on hand (she’s not even sure if Red drinks water…) so room temperature sprite would have to do. She’s taking a sip when she sees someone walk up beside her. 

**“You know, I personally like both of them.”**

His voice causes her to choke on her drink, her hand coming up to wipe away the droplets of soda that dripped down her chin and onto her shirt. She hears him laughing, his hand coming up to her back and patting it gently. The skin under her sweater suddenly feels hot. “Are you okay?” He laughs through the question, his hand rubbing in between her shoulder blades as she sets the cup down. 

Everything feels too warm. 

“Uh yeah,” he pulls his hand away and her skin grows cold, “you just scared me.” She feels weird. She never used to feel weird around him, but she does. She hadn’t seen him since the musical, and even then, their interactions were brief. Like that one time when she told him about her living arrangements and he responded half a day later. 

But she doesn’t need to think about that. 

She ignores how her body physically reacts, how warm she gets when he touches her, even for a second. How cold she gets when he pulls away. She ignores it, like she ignores everything. Like how she so badly wanted to ignore him at the moment and go back to sitting on the recliner. But she couldn’t do that, considering how he’s only a few feet away from her and she could practically feel the heat radiating off of him. Considering how he probably doesn’t feel like anything has changed since the musical, like they were still best of friends. 

He smells like mandarins.

**Gina disliked red hearts. And smiley faces. She also despised thinking. And she hated anything that smelled like mandarins.**

“Well, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” Ricky smiles at her, his dorky lopsided signature grin and she watches his curls move with his head, the low lighting picking up the gold strands of his hair. Gina wants to punch herself in the face. 

“It’s okay.” She bites her lip, looking away, trying to find something interesting to look at. She was failing miserably. “Where’d Nini go?” Her question is drowned out by his voice, speaking at the same time as her, asking his own question. He laughs again and Gina ignores how much she missed the sound. She looks at him again, regretting it as she watches the hand that touched her back only a few seconds ago rub against the side of his jaw. Her skin feels hot again. 

“Neen’s went to the bathroom.” He answers, shifting his weight on each foot, toying with the ring on his finger. 

_ Neens.  _

“Oh.” She turns her head back, glancing at everyone in the room, Nini nowhere in sight. “You asked me something but I didn’t hear, what was it?” She’s lying straight through her teeth. She heard what he said, loud and clear. A simple ‘How have you been?’ 

Yeah right. As if anything’s simple about the boy next to her. 

He coughs, clearing his throat before shoving his hands in his pockets.” I asked how things are with Ash and E.J? You know the whole moving stuff, crazy huh?” She quirks her brow upward. That’s not what he asked. 

Who’s lying through their teeth now. 

She smiles and it’s not genuine, but he doesn’t need to know that. He doesn’t need to know that she misses her mom all the time and that some nights she regrets saying yes to the idea of spending five months with Ash and E.J because she thought things were going to be different. He doesn’t need to know how angry this conversation is making her because why now all of a sudden does he want to know? 

He doesn’t need to know any of that. 

Ricky Bowen doesn’t need to know how she truly feels. 

“They’re great!” 

Gina Porter knows how to lie. 

“Yeah, she and E.J, I mean, the whole family is heaven sent.” 

She nods her head a little too vigorously and prays Ricky doesn’t notice. He hums, his hands still in his pockets as they both stand there in silence. Awkward silence. And suddenly it’s all too much for her and she excuses herself, brushing past Ricky, her shoulder bumping into his arm as she beelines to the stairs, hesitantly stepping on the first step before jogging up the rest. Her ankle aches but she keeps going up. 

Her arm is burning just like her back. Her body is on fire. 

It used to not be that way, silence between them was never awkward and uncomfortable. But whatever that was made Gina want to rip her hair out and scream into the void. She reaches behind her, her fingers grasping at her back softly, it burns the hottest. There’s a difference in lighting immediately, Red’s living room is bright and white, a serene vibe as she rounds the corner to the bathroom. 

She hadn’t expected to run into her, the girl with the nickname that made her feel something she couldn’t describe. Nini almost falls back from the collision, Gina having to catch the girl before they get the second accident of the day. They exchange heartfelt sorrys and laughs and Gina’s about to walk past her but she speaks and it stops her from doing so. 

“I can’t believe you’re staying.” The girl lets out a breathless laugh, a smile on her face that is genuine and happy and not forced like the one Gina puts on in the moment. She watches as Nini’s smile falters a bit, her eyes widening before she pushes her hands forward in a panicked motion. 

“Wait, no, that sounded wrong. I mean like, it’s crazy you’re staying.” Gina tilts her head, confusion displayed on her face. Nini waves her hands around more aggressively, the panic growing faster with every movement. “Wait, that also sounds bad, I mean-” 

“Nini it’s okay.” Gina huffs playfully as Nini presses her hands to her cheeks in embarrassment. “I meant, I’m just really happy you’re gonna stay here. With all of us.” 

**All of us.**

Gina’s mouth opens but nothing comes out. Her face holds one emotion but to anyone it’s hard to decipher exactly what it was. To Gina it’s hard to say what it was. She doesn’t even know. She doesn’t realize she had spaced out until Nini waves a hand in front of her face, wiggling her fingers as she calls out her name. 

“Huh, um, sorry.” She bows her head down in shame, her breathing slow and deep. “Zoned out for a second there, my bad.” She wants nothing more than to be home at this very second. 

“You’re good, thought something happened, had me a little worried there.” She laughs again and it’s sweet but Gina wants to be alone. So she decides to put on another fake smile, lifting up her head and tells Nini ‘I’m happy I’m staying too’ before making her way to the bathroom. Her head is high, held in the same position until the door locks and suddenly she’s against the door, her head lolls forward into her hands. 

The light isn’t on and she can’t see anything but she doesn’t care. All of us. All of us? I’m just really happy you’re gonna stay here. I’m just happy you’re gonna stay here? Her mind is racing, her heart feels like it’s beating too fast and the darkness of the bathroom makes her feel like she’s suffocating. 

Nini is nice. She’s too fucking nice. And she’s caring and she has a great laugh and she’s happy that she’s staying, with them, all of them. Gina sinks to the floor and she can’t stop thinking about the way Nini probably went down the stairs, not twisting her ankle and gracefully falling down beside him on the recliner again. She’s thinking about how she probably takes a drink of sprite and doesn’t choke on it like she had. 

She’s thinking and she doesn’t want to be.  **She wants to leave.**

But she left her jacket downstairs and it’s colder than usual and she can’t just leave the hangout without notifying the people she lives with. But she can’t just go back downstairs, not with the way she looks, all disheveled and disoriented. So she stays in the dark bathroom, cross legged on the tile floor, forcing herself to breathe normally. Forcing herself to not think about everything that had happened in the span of five minutes.

She doesn’t register how long she’s been in the bathroom until she hears a buzz come from her back pocket. She grabs it, her eyes closing abruptly as the bright screen of her phone illuminates the dark bathroom. It takes a second for her to adjust her eyes, reading the message at the top of the screen. It’s from E.J, the clown emoji by his name making her snort. 

‘Where r u?’

She begins typing, her fingers stiff as she presses each letter slowly. 

‘bathroom, have a headache, i’ll be down in a min.’

The headache thing was supposed to be a lie, but when she stands up she can feel the pain travel throughout her head. Her eyes squint as she turns on the light, examining herself in the mirror. Her hair was still styled, curly and free with a bandana wrapped around her head. The lighting wasn’t doing her any justice, making the bags under her eyes the most prominent feature of her face. The green paint of the walls didn’t help either. 

The phone in her pocket buzzes again but she doesn’t pull it out, instead bracing herself against the sink as she looks at herself in the mirror. She stares at herself, analyzing each part of her face, from the bridge of her nose to her cupid's bow. Her lips were dry and pale, her usual pink tone from her chapstick had faded way before. She wants to go home and lay on her bed and sleep. 

But instead, she practices her smile in the mirror, applying her pink chapstick and fixing certain pieces of her hair, and tightening her bandana before making her way back into the basement. She ignores Ricky’s stare as she goes over to E.J, who sits with Kourtney at a table in the corner of the room. She tells them that she just has a headache when they ask her what’s wrong, Gina wincing at the fact that they could tell something was up. 

It’s not like the headache thing is an entire lie. 

She ends up apologizing for the loneliness she feels that causes her to announce she was heading home early. 

E.J shrugs on his coat, reassuring her that she wasn’t causing any trouble due to the fact that he was her ride. Everyone says bye, some saying ‘get better’ and others saying ‘we’ll miss you’. She hears everyone’s voice but his and she can feel the lump grow in her throat as she makes her way out of the basement. 

Gina forces Ashlyn to stay, to enjoy the rest of the night with everyone much to girls’ dismay. E.J offers to stay home with her as they pull out of Red’s driveway but Gina tells him not to, that she could take care of herself and she’s had worse headaches. 

He doesn’t believe her and wants to stay home, but Gina won’t let him. He doesn’t stay, but he walks her to her room before giving her hug, wrapping his arms around her shoulders, resting his head above her poofy hair. He tells her ‘text me if you want to talk about what’s really bothering you.’ which makes Gina almost cry. 

But after years of perfecting the ability to stop the tears from every flooding past the rims of her eyes, she doesn’t. She only nods her head and throws a small smile to the senior. He rubs her shoulder before making his way down stairs and leaving for Reds again. 

When she makes it into her room she drags her body to the bed, laying on the comforter face down, her mind swirling with pain. The lump in her throat grows bigger and she can feel it starting, the tears that sting in the corner of her eyes. 

Sometimes all those years perfecting her ability to stop crying doesn’t work. 

Gina hates red hearts, smiley faces, thinking, and anything that smelled like mandarins. 

**She hates crying.**

The second time they see each other over winter break is purely by accident. She had missed two group hangouts since the last one, having gotten sick, a nasty cold that kept her bedridden for five days. 

Which, to be completely honest with herself, she was okay with it. 

One hangout she had missed was to a scary movie, which was definitely not her thing. The other hangout was at some diner downtown that had decade themed booths. Nini and Ricky had taken many instagram pictures that night, posting different ones with captions full of red hearts. 

Gina doesn’t like any of them. 

Which makes her feel bad when she’s tagged in a throwback Thursday post of the musical where everyone is bowing at the end of it.

‘My people, miss it sm.’ 

Nini’s post gets another 100 likes in under thirty minutes and then she feels like she has to like it and is in the midst of commenting when she sees his username, **bowenrricky** , leave five red hearts to which Nini replies with five more. She comments one too and immediately wants to delete it. But she doesn’t. 

She pretends it doesn’t bother her. 

Because it doesn’t. It really doesn’t. 

The second time they accidently see each other is at the mall. E.J and Ashlyn are off somewhere, in their respective favorite stores and Gina’s in the food court, alone and enjoying a cup full of bite-sized cinnamon pretzels. She’s scrolling on her phone, randomly clicking in and out of apps as she stuffs the pretzel pieces in her mouth when she hears her name. 

She shouldn’t have been able to hear it, the amount of people in the food court would drown out anyone’s singular voice. But she recognizes the voice, it’s all too familiar. And her heart starts beating fast. 

She turns, her mouth closed, cinnamon on her lips as she looks for the person who called her. He waves his left hand, his right occupied by a small red bag. Ricky starts to walk over to her and she tries her best not to panic and run. She swallows the pretzel, rubbing her hand over her mouth in effort to get the excess food off before he comes. The seat in front of her was empty for a few seconds before a bubbly Ricky Bowen pulled it out and sat in it, setting the red bag on the table. 

Gina was not expecting this. At all. 

“Funny seeing you here.” He’s all smiles and curls and Gina wishes she had choked to death on one of the pretzel bites. 

“Well it’s a mall so…” 

It comes off harsher than she had intended, her tone quip as Ricky only stares. She looks at the logo of the red bag, ‘James Avery’, and slowly but surely she realizes what it is. Yet she still asks. “What’s that?” She points to the bag, sitting back in her chair, her crossed leg moving forward slighting, bumping into Rickys. She doesn’t move. Neither does he.

“Gift for Neens.” He takes her cup of pretzels and grabs one before stuffing it into his mouth without care. She watches him, her eyebrows raising in surprise as her mouth falls open slightly. “You still have cinnamon on your lips.” He takes another, speaking through his chewing and she wants to gag. She takes her hand and rubs down the corner of her lips, trying to find where it was. 

She hadn’t expected Ricky Bowen to be at the mall at the same time as her on a busy Saturday morning. But she should’ve. She also hadn’t expected him to reach over so suddenly, his hand extending towards her face, his fingers grazing the other corner of her lips. But she should’ve. 

**“Here-”**

He mutters as he takes his thumb and rubs off the cinnamon. His touch is gentle and the rest of his fingers are pressed underneath her jaw. It all happens in two seconds, he’s rubbing the cinnamon off in one and then pulling his hand away in the other. His fingers rub against themselves in effort to get the cinnamon off and it’s the only thing she can focus on. Her skin is burning again. 

He seems so unfazed and Gina flexes her fingers out in front of her, clenching her jaw so tight it feels like it’s bound to break. He seems entirely too composed and content and she feels the complete opposite.  **Her skin wont stop fucking burning.**

“What’d you get her?” She has to look away from his hands, from his fingers, because Jesus Christ, she can’t think straight at this moment. Her eyes find their way to the carousel to the far left of her, her neck straining as her jaw clenches tighter. She doesn’t see how his eyes fall from her face to her neck, eyeing her jawline before he clears his throat, fixing his posture. “Necklace with her initials. Thought’d she’s like it…” His voice wavers on the last word and Gina turns back, her mouth closed and pursed, eyes fuzzy and unfocused. 

She feels his leg move against her foot but he doesn’t move it. And it’s confusing her. “I’m guessing the cold was that bad considering you missed hanging out twice.” He puts his elbows on the table, his head propped by his hands, his fingers pressed against his cheeks. He looks young. And adorable. 

Gina wants to die. 

“Yeah, uh, sorry about that.” 

He laughs, his shoulders gently moving up and down in a shrugging motion. He is adorable. Gina thinks, a mistake,  **because what the fuck is he so happy about?** He looks as if whatever they’re doing right now is normal. As if there wasn’t something unspoken between them. As if things weren’t weird...or maybe Gina’s losing her mind. Or she had already lost it. Maybe she lost her sanity the day Nini declined the offer. Because maybe this is normal and there is nothing weird about it. 

Friends talk like this all the time. Friends rub cinnamon off their friends lips all the time and it never means anything. It never means anything. But it does mean something to her, and Gina realizes she’s completely lost it. 

“We have to hang out before school starts up again though, second semester kills.” 

Gina’s biting down hard on her tongue before she makes the effort to respond. “Yeah, definitely.” 

Ricky ends up leaving after a few more moments of small talk, smiling at her before walking off into the crowd, the red bag dangling in his hands as he disappears. She pushes the cup away from her, unblinking, the tingling sensation still active on the corner of her lips. 

**She’s completely lost it.**

They don’t see each other the rest of winter break and she’s more than okay with it. Gina makes up excuses every time and most of them get suspicious but they don’t question her. Her excuses include missing her mom, or allergies due to the weather, or even wanting to dance the day away in some random studio downtown and not because she can’t be around him in any aspect. 

It’s not because she knows that if he sneaks up on her again, that if he touches her, no matter how innocent, she’d combust into flames and bring down everyone with her. No, it’s not because of that. 

She tries to convince herself that she’s not avoiding him, or them, but she is. That’s all she’s doing. He doesn’t text her the remaining days of break and neither does she, though being awake at 3 a.m. every other day has her fingers hesitating over his contact name, itching to do anything to show him that she was still there. That she still lo-

But she never does send the message that says ‘hi’. 

Instead, she avoids any contact with him and the days pass by agonizingly slow before they’re all back at school. Immediately Gina’s thrusted into the spring production of Beauty and The Beast and it takes her mind off of him. Just a little bit. (He doesn’t pay her much mind either.) She distracts herself with the play, becoming closer with Kourtney and encourages her to go after Belle. She’s beyond proud of her when she gets the part.

Ash and her like to tease E.J about how hard he blushes whenever they have to share a scene, considering he was the beast. 

It was nice. 

**And then it wasn’t.**

Gina gets Plumette and she’s beyond happy about it. Sure she’s not in the spotlight like she had wanted to be many months ago, but things had changed. She had changed. 

Until she finds out he gets the part of Lumiere.  **Lumiere?** Lumiere, french, suave, candlestick Lumiere? It doesn’t make sense, at all, but neither does finding out Nini had accepted the offer to the performing arts school out of the blue. 

Now that doesn’t make sense at all.

Because one day, early February, Ricky walks into rehearsals with his hood up and his eyes empty and he’s barely in the mood to do anything other than stare at the floor blankly. Nini’s on the other side of the room and from time to time Gina catches her out of it, a sad look on her face, before going back to a normal state when Seb calls her name. 

And that definitely doesn’t make any sense. 

She hadn’t heard anything from anyone, but people in the drama department like to speculate and Gina feels obligated to shut it down before it gets too out of hand. She hears one day from someone that Ricky had broken up with Nini, again, and Gina can’t help but butt in and dismiss the rumor. She’s harsh and maybe she goes back to who she was at the beginning of all of this, her tone mocking and blunt because whoever these people were, they didn’t know Ricky and Nini. Ricky wouldn’t have broken up with Nini, again, not after doing all of that just to get her back. 

No. 

**He wouldn’t.**

She’s not proud that she had to resort to scaring them so badly they stop talking about it but she is proud that she defended them. Defended her friends. Nini is her friend. Ricky is her…

**Ricky is something.**

And then during lunch one day, she sees Ricky with Red, no Nini in sight and she questions herself so much it freaks her out. He looks so sad and it pains Gina to not run over to him and console him, like she knew how to do. It pains her that she even wants to do that. Because although she would defend him with her entire life, she doesn’t even know if he’d do the same. And it’s all so confusing. And it all sucks.

It’s Nini’s last day and everyone’s emotional, even Gina herself, who can’t help but let tears gather at the corner of her eyes when the girl hugs her with all her might. Miss Jenn brings out a cake that almost slips out of her hands and onto the floor but because Carlos is thankfully  _ Carlos _ , the cake makes it onto the moving table with wheels without fuss. 

It’s a good time, Kourtney finishes off the night with a video dedicated to Nini, from when she was in diapers singing Hannah Montana to when she was ironically a fork in another production of Beauty and The Beast. 

**She hears everyone laugh but him.**

One of the last clips used of the brunette is her in the iconic red Gabriella dress she wore only a few months ago. She’s twirling and smiling and Gina has to stop from tearing up herself at the sight of Nini, a teary smile on her face as she tries to compose herself. 

Everyone gives her words of encouragement and heartfelt hugs and Gina doesn’t pay attention to the ghost that hangs in the shadows. Because this night isn’t about him. This night is about Nini, the girl who’s future was approaching with every ticking second. 

It’s a while after the going away party is over, Nini leaving earlier to celebrate with her moms while the rest of everyone cleaned and made their way home. Carlos and Seb had left a little after Nini, having taken the last of the cake, much to Red’s dismay. He ended up leaving with Kourtney, who was ‘so in the mood for milkshakes.’ Ashlyn and E.J had been somewhere, probably sneaking into the principal's office for whatever reason, while Gina offered to put away the chairs. 

It would’ve been okay, it would’ve been completely normal. 

But Ricky had offered to help her put them away and Gina couldn’t stop her spine from going pin straight whenever he stood a few feet away from her. 

They had barely worked together in rehearsals, this was the first time they’d be alone.  **Together.** And she genuinely feels like none of this is real. 

They had worked in silence for the most part, rarely ever exchanging looks as they passed chairs to each other. The room was practically empty, having been cleaned up by Gina’s urge to get the hell out of there. “Thanks for helping.” She speaks softly and it’s not even in his direction. She doesn’t see him stand in the corner of the room, his eyes burning into the back of her head. 

“Can we talk?” 

His voice is firm, rough, like he just started to speak after going months without. He doesn’t ask it like a question,  **he states it like a demand** and Gina stands there frozen. Of all the nights,  **of all the god damn nights-**

“Ash and E.J are probably looking for me-”

“I screwed up.” 

Gina whirls around in her spot, planting her feet together in a stance that almost makes her fall over. He’s staring at her with an intensity that she hasn’t seen before and she can’t tell if it’s because his heart is bruised and bleeding or because he genuinely wants to talk to her. 

She listens either way. 

“With Nini. Twice.” 

A heart bruised and bleeding fuels the hurt in the eyes she stares into, **into the eyes she wished she knew.**

She doesn’t know these eyes anymore. 

“With you. I screwed up real fucking bad with you.”

Oh...

**Oh.**

“Please say something.” 

Now that one sounds like a question more than anything. Like a plea, like he was begging for her to comfort him in his time of need. To be there for him, to be there for his soul even though he took hers and shredded it to pieces. “What do you want me to say?” 

Gina wants to go home.

“Tell me I’m selfish.” He looks down at the floor, he moves just a little closer and Gina doesn’t know where this is going but her mind is running through a thousand different scenarios. “Tell me I’m the worst friend anyone could ever have. Tell me I only hurt the people I love.” He keeps moving closer and she’s trying to pay attention to the things he says but she can’t, not when her own heart is thumping fast against her chest. 

**“Tell me you hate me.”**

He stands a few feet away but she can feel the pain radiating off him like it was her own.  **Or maybe it is.**

“I don't hate you.” 

Ricky looks up with the tiniest amount of hope in his eyes and it absolutely crushes her. Because this isn’t going to be a happy ending. Not for her. Not for him. 

“I can never hate you. And that’s what I hate.” The hope starts to fade. Gina stands before him with so much vulnerability but she forces her head high, forces the burning of her throat to subdue. 

“Everything would be so much easier if I did hate you.” 

Gina hates a lot of things. Red hearts. Smiley faces. Thinking. The smell of mandarins. Crying. But she doesn’t hate him. She can’t. But she wishes he was on the list. 

It’s Ricky’s turn to be frozen in place, unable to speak, **afraid to speak.** The hope turns to pain and Gina knows he’s realizing that he’s not getting a happy ending. She can see everything crumble in his mind and for a moment, for an excruciatingly short moment, Gina’s at peace. 

Ricky Bowen was the first boy to ever make Gina Porter feel something. 

Ricky Bowen had the audacity, the grace, the decency to burrow into her heart and reside there for months. 

Ricky Bowen also felt he had the right to choose someone else over her. 

Ricky Bowen made Gina Porter fall in love with him and broke her heart all the same. 

“I don’t want to talk, Ricky. Not right now.” 

In that moment a million thoughts race through her mind. She could’ve said anything else, she could’ve  **been** anything else for him at that moment. She could’ve been his friend. 

But that’s all she is at the end of it. 

**His friend.**

And she can not do that to herself. 

She won’t. 

She leaves Ricky Bowen standing in the middle of an empty room and she doesn’t feel any better. But she knows that if she had stayed, if she had been the friend he wasn’t, she’d suffocate under the weight of her pain. 

Gina Porter leaves Ricky Bowen standing in the middle of the empty room and for the first time in a while she does what’s right for her. 

**Even if it’s painful.**

**Author's Note:**

> yeah so no happy ending in this one :////. Sorry, I really made Gina and Ricky hurt in this one I am very sorry. This is a one shot so I won't be continuing it, but I could always try to write one where there is a happy ending. Who knows. For now, thank you for reading my story where I hurt both of my babies.


End file.
